Choosing Your Downside

Choosing your Downside

They say that there’s an enormous amount to learn when you’re working with horses, and very little of it has to do with horses. It’s not uncommon for me to say something while teaching, and then immediately think of where I need to apply that principle to my own life. For example, most everything I know about being a parent I learned from working with horses (and from Brene Brown, but I digress…). I was raising horse babies when my own son was an infant, and there was no end to parenting lessons learned watching my small herd raise their own foals. 

A topic that has come up again and again recently is the idea of choosing a downside. Often when we’re making decisions in life, we do our pro and con list, or we think of things we want and things we don’t want. It stands to reason that because nothing is perfect, when we make a choice FOR something, we are also inherently choosing something less ideal that comes with the package.

Here’s an example: It’s not uncommon for Adult Amateurs or “returning riders” who have been away from horses for a long time to go to school, and establish careers and/or families to experience some level of anxiety or fear when working with horses. Maybe it’s nature’s way of reminding us of our mortality when we have more at stake and less of a sense of invincibility. Either which way, with some life experience we can have more awareness of what’s at risk, and as such riders may need a horse with a bit less sass and a bit more predictability. That’s a fantastic choice, because keeping riders safe is essential. However, along with that upside commonly we have a horse with a less sensitive nature, and that can mean less of that “desire to go forward” we hear about in dressage circles.

That lack of desire to go forward can lead to a few things…riders working too hard, repeating their aids or using louder and louder aids to get the desired response. Of course, this leads to other “training problems” and will ultimately result in limited advancement, because big, visible aids are inherently slow, and advanced work happens as a result of quick responses to subtle aids (along with 3,247 other things…).

So, is that bad? It could be. Is that a downside we can choose, and learn how to mitigate with riding skill, it sure is. Is that a better downside than a more sensitive horse who can be very responsive and is also possibly more spooky or reactive in scenarios besides riding? Depending on the individual horse and rider, yes it is. 

It’s important to recognize that we’re choosing that downside. Yes, we’re choosing calm and inherently safe, but along with that we’re likely choosing a horse that requires some motivation. That’s 100% fine, and being aware of it makes it even better.

I started this little story by saying these concepts cross over into real life, and they do. One of the most clear examples is in dating…when you choose a calm, centered person to date, they might not get as excited about the positives, just like they might not get as excited when things are tough. That’s great for some people, not so great for others.

Choosing a home, or a farm, or a car, or a career comes with the same tradeoffs. Rarely do we get EVERYTHING we want, so if we can choose which downsides we’re ok with, we’re going in with eyes wide open.

Perhaps I’m telling on myself and my nature here, because when I’m faced with challenging circumstances or frustrating situations I often remind myself that I had some choice in the matter. “I chose this” is a phrase I’ll say to myself when I’m overwhelmed because I’ve (once again) taken on too much, or am uncomfortable with the direction one of my choices has taken me. You could call that being controlling, and sometimes I do think of myself as such. A more positive framing might be that I like to have a sense of my own agency. I don’t like feeling like my life is just taking me on a ride. My personal preference is to make conscious choices about my path and see what happens, knowing I can always choose again.

So if you’re facing a decision, and you’re writing your “Pro” list, consider if it’s helpful to associate a downside that comes with that upside, and think about if you’re willing to say yes to that downside. Maybe there’s a way to mitigate it, or maybe you just have to accept it. Either way it’s an interesting thought experiment and might change the way you look at these choices.